Fatherhood, Formula, and Other F Words by Anhanninen

Fatherhood, Formula, and Other F Words by anhanninen
When man-whore, foul-mouthed Edward's life takes an unexpected turn, he's left with a baby to raise. With the help of a friendly neighbor, he learns sometimes the unexpected could be the best thing that's ever happened. All Human.

What is hotter than a good dad? Probably not much if you're a mother. You know what I'm talking about ladies, right? Your husband can be covered in manure from seeding the lawn, wearing a ten year old track shirt, but the second he picks up his kid and swings him around, smiling and laughing, you want to throw down in the bedroom. Just me? No? Good.

The author of this fic does something very smart. She redeems Edward's past by making him a very good dad, in that he tries. He's on his own in this (and the reason will break your heart). What I find most excellent is that we don't have five chapters of what a man-whore Edward is. I hate that. I know what a man-whore is. I don't want to see how despicable he is. A few paragraphs and references will suffice, thanks. And that's what Anhanninen does. She gives us more of what we want -- Daddyward!

And that's not to say that he doesn't make some douche-y moves, because he does. Poor guy is lonely. He has needs. But he's not going to get them from neighbor, confidant, and the closest thing he has to a baby guru for his kid. Bella's a teacher by trade and knows what to do. Being kind-hearted (and needing to see the cute boy across the hall, probs), she helps Edward out when his daughter is particularly needy, and a romance strikes, slow and steady.

The side characters in this fic, namely his sister, Rosalie, are excellent and realistic. Thank you!

This fic was funny, sweet and heartwarming. Seeing Edward with daughter, Sofia, melted me. If you need a quick read with lots of swoon and an adorable, clueless Edward, this is the fic for you.

Team Jacob safe.
Low smut.

Here's some good side character action for you. I love Esme, his mom.

I sat back on the couch and ran my hands through my hair. The clock said it was almost one in the morning, and I was starting to feel it. I wanted my parents to hurry the fuck up. I'd put her to sleep, and then get some sleep of my own. Tomorrow we'd do the paternity test, and soon after that I'd know if this would be permanent.

It was probably really fucking wrong of me to not want the little one to be mine, but she'd ruin my life. Just one evening with her, and I was about to stick my head in a fucking oven. I couldn't do this. I couldn't have a kid. She'd be fucked up beyond belief if I tried to raise her.

When my parents did finally get back, my eyes bulged. Apparently, a few huge boxes and a shit ton of bags were just "necessities". There was a swing, a bouncer, the portable crib, bags of clothes, diapers, bottles, and more formula. My apartment looked like a fucking zoo of shit when they were done.

"These are necessities?" I asked.

"Well, not the swing and bouncer, but she'll like those," Mom said, smiling. "Is she asleep?"

She went around to the other side of the coffee table to look at the little one. She oohed and aahed at the baby.

"Did she give you any issues?" she asked.

"Holy shit, yes," I sighed.

"You need to start watching your language with a baby around," she said. "Now what happened?"

"She was wet."

"You changed her diaper?" She smiled. "All on your own?"

I scoffed. "Yeah, right. My new neighbor came over and helped. She heard the non-stop screaming."

"That was nice of her. Well, this little sweetie looks peaceful now," she said, kissing the little one's forehead.

"About time."

"Go help your father set up the crib in your room. I'll watch her."

"It needs to be in my room? I have a spare bedroom."

She rolled her eyes. "It's going in your room. I didn't find a baby monitor I liked, so you need to be near her until we actually go shopping."

Once the crib was set up, the little one decided to wake up again and cry. Mom just said she was hungry, so she took me into the kitchen and showed me how to make the bottle.

"She took four ounces last time, so we'll try that again," Mom said. "She'll need to eat every few hours. It's been three hours since last time and that's about normal."

"Every three hours?" I asked. "When do I sleep?"

"When she does." She smiled. "You'll get used to it."

"Great," I sighed as she handed me the bottle to test.

It seemed fine to me, but she checked it again. Apparently, I was right. I wasn't a total fail at knowing a good bottle temperature. Go me. We went back into the living room, and I sat down on the couch. Mom passed me the baby and told me to feed her. It was . . . an experience.

All I knew was that I was still fucking clueless and this kid and I were both screwed unless I figured some shit out. I already felt like I needed to kiss my life goodbye. The chances she was my kid were good. In fact, I was pretty sure she was.

Hardcover Paranormal Romance

Hardcover Paranormal Romance by Badjujube

Work In Progress!

Yes, I'm breaking my rule and writing a review for a work in progress. It's that good, and I don't want you to miss out on it. Hardcover Paranormal Romance is about Vampward working at a bookstore with Bella, who loves vampires but doesn't like Edward because he's a jerk (and she doesn't know he's a vampire). Intrigued yet? I am! Edward is an idiot to put it lightly. And no one writes idiot Edward like Badjujube.

Edward is rude to Bella from the start and then falls for her and doesn't know how to dig himself out of his hole, so he slogs his way through awkward conversation and gaping and longing. And it's so entertaining to read about. He's adorable in his dorkiness. Here's a sample for you to chew on before you open it up and devour all ten chapters in an hour.

From Chapter 10:

I would love to tell you that there was a tender, we-almost-kissed moment when I dropped Bella off at home, but what really happened is that right as I was going to wake her up my phone rang and, of course, it was on ultra loud and Emmett had programmed it to play some obnoxious song. Bella woke with a start, wiped some (adorable) drool off of her face and scrambled over herself to get out of the Volvo.

I jump out of the car, follow her to the door and manage to catch her before she gets inside. It was only because she was a little drunk and fumbling for her keys and I am a speedy vampire, to be honest.

She got the door open and then turned to thank me. I did that pointed "looking over her shoulder into the house thing," hoping to snare an invite into the Swan abode. I also invaded her space a little bit.

"Um, thank you for the ride, Edward," she says, her eyes flickering up to me self-consciously. In a move that I really hope was smooth and not creepy, I leaned forward with my hand on the doorframe.

"Anytime, Bella," I say, smiling down at her. She stares into my eyes for a second and then looks away awkwardly.

"Yeah, uh, thanks again," she says, and slips into the house and closes the door. I stare at the door for a minute, wondering exactly where I went wrong with my vibe.

I'm figuring the only way to figure out why I didn't even get a "Would you like to come in for coffee?" is to ask my family. But then I think about the wooing histories of my family, which pretty much consisted of "I just turned you into a vampire. Wanna make out?" coupled with some, "Oh, shit. I'm a vampire. Yeah, that sounds cool."

Then I think of Angela. Sweet, smart, best friend I've ever had that doesn't drink blood Angela. Perfect.

I manage to run the whole thing down for Angela the next day before Bella comes in, leaving out the parts that make it sound like I sabotaged Bella's relationship with the scumbag or that I'm a vampire.

Angela looks at me with tenderness when I get finished. But, she's thinking I'm a little bit dense.

"So you're asking me why Bella didn't catch on that you were trying to get closer to her?" Angela asks me. I nod. Angela takes a deep breath and tries to think of nice ways to tell me that she thinks I'm a little dense.

"I think you have to be patient," Angela says. "You have been…kind of a jerk to her. I know you like her now, but most people just can't change gears that fast, Edward. I'm sure she has no idea that you like her."

"Oh," I say, contemplating ways to let Bella know that I like her that don't involve me embarrassing myself if she doesn't like me. The first one I can think of is having Angela ask her.

Angela doesn't think that's a good idea, needless to say. She suggests that it might come off a little immature.

"I think your best plan is just to continue not being mean to her and see what happens," Angela says. "I think you need to give her some time to adjust to the nice version of you before you start…talking about her inviting you in for…coffee."

Angela says it as if coffee is a euphemism for something that isn't coffee. Then, listening to her thoughts, I realize that it is a euphemism for something that isn't coffee. In my defense, I haven't ever had coffee. Or that.

The Red Eye

The Red Eye by Badjujube
She's on twitter @badjujube

http://www.badjujube.blogspot.com/

This hilarious story is made of win. It's 30 chapters plus an epi and outtakes -- one of which I just discovered today and cannot wait to read. Woot! 


So let me preface this review with I like to laugh. A lot. And this story makes me laugh. A lot. I read it quite a while ago, and it's been on my "I must review this and tell the whole world about it" list, but I haven't had the time. Today I'm sick and have time. Lucky you. No, seriously, lucky you. Go read it!


This is quite possibly the funniest vampfic out there. It has great, well thought out characters and an interesting plot that's not centered around will they or won't they have sex. 


Edward is a vampire working as a PI. He runs into Bella, a human pregnant teenager who is his singer and whom he quickly falls into an "I adore you" relationship with. It's very one sided.  


Edward is awkward and doesn't know anything about girls, but he does know how to write lists. For example: 


In a fit of masochism I decided to make a list of all the reasons that I was being ludicrous in my fixation on Bella Swan. I got out all my colors of dry erase marker so that I could color code my list of objections. The white board in the office boasted a list entitled "Reasons why I need to stay away from Bella Swan"

I wanted to eat her.

I could potentially want to eat her baby.

I lived with other vampires who could potentially want to eat her.

I was a soulless, immortal monster.

I had a body that was slightly below ambient temperature.

I belonged to a species that wanted to eat her.

I was a virgin; she clearly had experience.

I could hurt her if I wasn't careful.

I was a stalker.

She had little or no interest in me.

I was 90 years older than her.

I lived with Emmett, who was an idiot.

I could go on but what would be the point? It was pathetic. Unfortunately, I left my list up too long and Emmett saw it, doubtless when he was stealing hand sanitizer from the office supply cabinet and I had to give him free access to our supplies for a month in exchange for his silence.

Since Bella's in high school, Edward has to deal with her male admirers even though she's pregnant. This shows just how much a a social retard he is but proves why I love him. This is just so funny, I can't stand it. And after I highlighted it, I realized it was the whole chapter minus a few paragraphs. Oh well. You'll thank me later.

I drive the Volvo at an unsafe speed into town and walk around campus to the romantic Forks gymnasium. I decide that parking in the front makes me more incognito. It's hard to identify her scent in the swirl of perfume, shoe polish, hairspray and smuggled booze.

But I can see Bella's beautiful face in Mike Newton's filthy mind and I track them to his car, which is parked in the back parking lot. I try to move at an acceptable speed but it's difficult when I see that Bella is uncomfortable.

"You know, Mike, I really don't feel that way about you. Do you mind taking me home?" She is trying to be polite but I can see the discomfort on her face.

"Come on, Bella, just a kiss? It's not like I'm gonna get you pregnant." Mike laughs at his own joke. "Seriously, you owe me. Who else were you gonna get to take you to prom?"

I reach Mike's car and without a thought to appearances or propriety, I pull open his door and drag him out by the collar. I have him several inches off the ground and am growling in his terrified face.

"I could hear her saying 'no' from across the parking lot, Newton." It comes out in a growl. "You have a problem with your hearing?" Mike Newton is too scared to even respond. At least verbally. He does, however, wet himself and shake. Which tells me he got the message.

By which point Bella has gotten out of the car and come around to the driver side. And she's screaming at me. At me?

"Goddammit, Cullen, let him go! Are you crazy?" I lower Mike back to the ground and turn to look at her. She is furious, her nostrils flared and if she shot lasers out of her eyes I'd be a dead man. Well, an already dead man with serious laser burns.

"Get out of here, Mike," she says to Newton, barely even looking at him. He shakily gets into his car while Bella and I glare at each other. He only drops the keys three times before getting them into the ignition and driving off.

When he's gone she shakes her head at me disdainfully. "Jesus, Cullen, stalk much?" She looks beautiful, even pissed off at me.

"Oh, did you want me to leave you there with Newton and his…hands?" I can't believe she has no gratitude for my saving her from him.

"I know how to say 'no,'" she snaps at me. "Really?" I ask, lifting an eyebrow at her and glancing at her stomach. She almost laughs but then she looks around the parking lot.

"Where's your car? You didn't turn into a bat and fly here did you?" She looks at me with fake horror before rolling her eyes at me and starting to walk away.

"Bella, wait!" She stops and turns but comes no closer. "You're not going to walk home? My car's in front." I gesture towards the front of the school.

"You think I'm getting in a car with you?" Point taken.

"Let me walk with you." She looks at me for a minute. "Come on, Bella. If anything happens to you the wolves are gonna blame us whether we are involved or not."

"Ok, but don't talk to me. I'm hungry and crabby." She turns and starts walking again and I catch up to her.

We walk for a few minutes and then she says, "So is that why you keep showing up?"

"Yep," I lie.

"Well, I guess I'm sorry for accusing you of stalking me or whatever." She looks a little bit embarrassed. I could tell her that she's totally right but I don't. Don't judge me.

"Well, I guess I'm going to have to find a new job," she says.

"Really? Why don't I just apologize to Newton for making him…soil himself." I am horrified to be having this conversation with a lady. Yay, Victorian upbringing!

"It's not about that. I don't want to work with him after he was such a douche!" Bella looks at me with scorn. "Would you want to work with someone who was slobbering on you like that?" If it was her I would but I keep that tidbit to myself. Bella Swan is clearly, as they say, just not "into" me.

"Oh. Yeah. I guess you have a point." We walk for a few more minutes in silence. The sensation of being with another person and having it be silent was a delicious sensation. So of course I talk and screw it up.

"Can I get you something to eat? 7-11 is still open. I could get you ice cream and pickles or whatever." She looks at me curiously.

"How old are you, Edward?"

"One hundred and ten." I look at her for a reaction. She's nodding.

"Haven't really spent a lot of time with pregnant women, huh?" I shake my head. I've been inside the heads of countless women but I am beginning to see how different hearing what they think and actually interacting with them is. Throw in the added complication of not being able to read Bella's mind and I am really flying blind here.

"Yeah, uh, let me give you a little piece of advice. Don't." She falls silent again and I wait for her to finish her sentence.

"That's it? 'Don't'? What does that mean?" She looks at me and blows out a big puff of air and shakes her head.

"I just think that you could give a girl a complex. I mean, I'm already the size of a water buffalo and retaining water as fast as Forks can produce it. Then you show up and offer to feed me some more häagen daz before you go to your next fucking photo shoot and it makes me feel kind of gross."

I don't even know what she's talking about so I just walk beside her silently until we get to her house. She stops in front and faces me.

"Thanks for walking me home and for freaking Newton out. It's kind of funny now, you know, in retrospect." She smiles at me. I want to prolong our time together but I don't really know how to since she doesn't really seem to enjoy my company.

"It was my pleasure. Would you like me to pick you up tomorrow so you can get your truck from my house?" She frowns slightly.

"No, I'm cool. I'll see you around, OK?" She turns and walks into her house while I stand out on the sidewalk, watching her go, considering not watching her sleep. My sense of pride and I compromise on hunting first and then just watching her for a few hours. Quite a moral victory.

The characters that Badjube creates are hilarious. Emmett steals Edward's office supplies and watches too much TV, Rosalie hates new people, etc, etc. Everyone has such great character and voice, Badjujube is amazing at is creating character based on their pasts. This is shown in this tiny excerpt that will make you spit out whatever it is you are drinking . . .

At least we had gotten all of our human party issues settled before the big event. It seems we all had different ideas of what was appropriate for a graduation party, depending upon what time period we had died in and how much TV we watched in the ensuing decades. So Emmett wanted a keg, I had to be talked out of wearing a tuxedo and Jasper was told that no really appreciated a good jug band anymore. "I mean, how hard can it be to find a washboard?" he walked around saying for a few days.

Oh, and Emmett writes limericks. No joke. 

"There once was a woman named Rose,

Who saved me from death I suppose.

That bear left me for dead,

Carlisle bit me instead.

She's hot when she takes off her clothes."

Whenever I tell my mother and sister about this story (which I do often because I want them to read it) I mention this tidbit: Aro and his Volturi crew have a hard time with techno gadgets. Aro can't work a cell phone, and in this scene we see that a key fob and Italian vampires do no mix.

From Ch 29:

I hear a car approaching. Emmett and I look out the window to see a nondescript silver minivan pull into the driveway. You heard me, the bad-ass Italian vampires rented a freakin' minivan.

"Is that a Windstar?" Emmett asks me, just as shocked as I am.

"That's a Windstar, Emmett," I respond.

The six vampires get out. I'm guessing that this is why they ended up in a minivan. Felix, who's bigger than Emmett, has been driving and he pushes the button on the key chain to lock it. It makes this weird triple beeping noise.

"Jane," he says. 'You didn't close the door all the way."

Jane, who was changed when she was like fourteen and has obviously been premenstrual ever since then, glares at him. "I closed my door. Talk to Demitri."

"Whatever, it's probably the back." Demitri walks around to the back door where Marcus, one of the brothers, has a bag he has pulled out of the mini-van.

"Children, are you going to bicker like this the entire time?" Aro addresses them, brushing off his I'd dark suit and looking towards the house.

"Not if Jane closes her door all the way, " Felix mumbles, trying to lock the car again and still getting a weird beep.

"No one is going to steal our minivan," Caius says to Felix, rolling his red eyes. "We're in the middle of nowhere, visiting a house full of vampires."

"We wouldn't be having this problem if you had reserved a decent vehicle for us," Demitri says to Felix, trying the other doors to see if they're ajar.

"The agency made the mistake. This was not my…" he's cut off by the screeching of the car alarm as Demitri opens the passenger door.

Aro and Marcus put their hands over their ears, thankfully, because Emmett and I are howling with laughter at the window.

"Felix! Stop that noise at once!" Caius barks at Felix, who is randomly pressing buttons.

Demitri grabs the keys from him and presses a button, shutting off the alarm. Then he smirks at him and Felix flips him off.

Carlisle steps out onto the porch and opens his arms to Aro warmly.

"Aro, Caius, Marcus. How good of you to come visit us." He ushers them into the living room, where Emmett and I have just barely managed to control ourselves.

This story is so unvbelievably goofy. I love that it's about vampires, but it's not gruesome, it's silly. Vamps are dismembered in two sentence blips with a joke about a lame car. It's awesome. And it showcases the sweetest and dumbest Edward I've ever met. As a bonus, he becomes a daddy and takes his job seriously. You will die laughing and swooning from this fic. Give it a read. You will not be disappointed.

Best Laid Schemes by EZRocksAngel

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6644527/1/Best_Laid_Schemes by EZRocksAngel
Bella makes a deal that turns her world upside down.

Have you seen Easy A with Emma Stone? Did you love it? If so, then you'll love this fic. At 16 chapters, this story is a quick read. AS it is written by EZRocksAngel it is a good read. Not only is it witty and laugh out loud funny but it boasts realistic high school teens (which you know I love) and a well thought out plot. 


Bella pretends to have sex with her best friend, Jake, who's gay. Others find out about which does two things. 1. helps Jake to maintain his non-gay status and 2. creates a whore image for Bella which best fried, Alice, encourages her to embrace. Bella longtime crush and friend Edward takes notice of Bella's new choice of clothing and new choice3 of friends, mainly boys. 


Best frineds Jasper and Edward even quarrel over her (no they didn't have a duel at dawn), and eventually Bella chooses to "date" Jasper to entice Edward, and it works! 


Fed up with Edward's ability to restrain himself since Bella's dating his best friend, she pulls out the big guns -- her boobs. 


"For me?" He asked after I buckled my seat belt. I tried to ignore his blue eyes bulging out at my chest. His jaw dropped too, just a bit.

"Shut up."

"Dude, they're in my face. How can I not look?"

"Maybe you should think about your actual girlfriend," I shot back.

He had the good sense to look a tiny bit guilty. "I think Alice would understand. She's seen your rack before, right?"

I punched him on the arm as hard as possible but he didn't even flinch. "At least you admit she's your girlfriend."

"Oh, yeah. That girl..." he trailed off with a big, goofy grin on his face. I rolled my eyes and shifted in my seat, searching in my bag for my project outline. When I looked up, he was staring at my boobs again.

"Jasper!"

"I'm serious Bella. Those things are lethal." He turned into the parking lot of the library and found a spot with ease. "You're gonna kill him you know."

I unlatched my seat belt and adjusted my shirt. We were acknowledging this. Good. "I know. He has it coming."

"I don't know..."

"He does. He thinks I'm trashy and obviously nothing will change his mind. I may as well make him sweat." I was being stupid, I knew it, but at the same time, so was Edward. He was either my friend or not. The judgments needed to go. "I don't expect you to side with me over him, but his little game of hot and cold is growing thin." I opened the door, stood up, and straightened my coat. "This is payback."

. . .

"I completed the first three questions."

"Great," I said. I unbuttoned my coat before turning to hang it on the back of my chair. "Do you want me to work on the next three?"

"I, um, yeah, um..." I heard his pencil drop on the tabletop.

I steeled myself. I had gotten pretty comfortable with revealing my body over the last several weeks, but the look on Edward's face was enough to cause me to blush. He was completely flummoxed. I leaned over. "Questions four through seven?"

"Um," His eyes darted from my chest back to his paper. "Yes."

"Okay," I said, arranging my books and paperwork. I made an exaggerated effort to lean on one elbow. We worked quietly for a while, only talking when we needed something from one another. Edward was blatantly avoiding eye contact and struggling to focus on his paper-that was, until I caught him, jaw slack and staring.

"Is something wrong?" I may have twirled some hair around my finger. Maybe.

He blinked. "Um...I think you may have the wrong formula for number five."

"Really?" I asked. Because I didn't.

He snatched the paper and busied himself reviewing it. "Oh, no. I guess not."

"Sure?"

He glanced over at Jasper, who was still ignoring us, like he could save Edward from being the bumbling idiot he was. "Yes, I'm sure."

"Good," I said. "I'll be over in the reference section. I'm missing something for question seven." I stood and adjusted my boot on the seat. He didn't even try to not look. Edward had reached a point of no return. He couldn't keep his eyes off my chest or ass or anything else. Too bad for him he thought he was too good for me.

I walked away, stealing a glance before I slipped around the corner of the bookshelves and saw him drop his head to the table. Sucker. If he was going to make me feel like shit, then I was happy to make him feel shittier.

Ten minutes later, I found the book I wanted. I had just pulled it from the shelf when I felt him behind me. Close behind me. I froze, trying to think of my next move. Should I get on my tip-toes and reach for a high book, exposing the skin around my waist? Should I pout and act confused-damsel in distressy?

Before I could decide, he moved first.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Why are you being such a dick?" I countered, feigning nonchalance. And then I felt it. His hand was on my hip and his chest was on my back. And it was just...whatthefuck?

"What are you doing?" I asked, pulling forward, only to feel his grip tighten.

"It's not fair." He said in a low voice. He sounded angry. "You doing this all the time and me...just resisting."

I struggled and turned around. My face almost pressed in his chest, he was so close. When I looked up I could see a manic look on his face. "What do you mean resisting?"

"I mean," he looked around and his tongue darted out between his lips. "I just want..." And then he pushed my back against the hard row of books and kissed me. Hard. On the mouth. And because I'm a fool and have loved him forever, I kissed him back, lacing my fingers through the short, soft hair on his neck. Then less hard and more gentle, I felt his tongue touch against my own and it made my stomach ache. He tasted good and felt good and it was Edward, the only boy I had ever really wanted to kiss.

Gah! This fic has some great zingers, great old fashioned age-appropriate groping, and sexual tension. Edward was sweet yet horny and dumb boy and just perfect. Bella's POV is perfection. She's down to earth and confident, but smart and witty and likable. I loved it, loved it, loved it!

Team Jacob Safe if you're okay with him being the gay best friend. He's a good guy in this one.
Smut-o-meter: Just kissing and groping. Woot!
You Are a Murderer of Love

Beyond Time

Beyond Time by TKegl
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5755522/1/
After the Cullens leave Forks, a twist of fate lands Bella in Chicago in 1918. She thinks it's a second chance to build a life with Edward, but when she finds him, he's not quite what she expected. Can Bella create the future she's hoping for?



Do you love CanonWard? I do. And let's face it, there's really not enough of him around. And there's certainly not enough of this type of CanonWard around. This Edward is from 1918 - an honest to goodness sixteen year old, living at home with Mom and Dad, track meet participating kind of guy. And he's to die for, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Must set this up first . . .

Beyond Time by TKegl is a canon compliant time travel story. Say what? Hear me out. I was leery about this at first because one, I've read two time travel stories and they were, um, let's just say, not for me, and two, I just couldn't see how an author could make time travel in the world of Twilight believable. I know. Yuck it up. Time travel is dumb. Fanfiction is dumb. But not to me, okay! So, why did I give it a chance? I'll tell you. People rave about this fic. And, by people, I mean people that I trust and admire in the ff world. So, I drew one of these people in by laying down my concerns. The conversation went something like this . . .  Me: Um, how does B time travel? Because if it's dumb, I ain't reading it. AuthorIAdore: She's involved in a Quileute ceremony. Done and done. No falls, no wishes on stars or birthday candles, nothing dumb. Thank you baby Jesus (And Kent from So You Think You Can Dance for always making me smile at that!). And with that, I gave Beyond Time an honest to goodness shot and haven't looked back since.

Bella is left heartbroken when Edward leaves her after her birthday fiasco where Jasper tried to eat her. She befriends Jake and Jake invites her to a Quileute ceremony wherein she watches other young Quileutes participate in a Spirit Walk. When said Spirit Walk is over the leader of the group invites Bella to try it herself and though she is skeptical at first, she quickly realizes that Quiletute Spirit Walks are no joke. Her Spirit Walk brings her to Chicago, and it's 1918.

Bella organizes herself quickly by finding housing. She finds a job at Carlisle's hospital, befriends him and lets him in on bits and pieces of her secret. Then, begins her search for Edward.

She gets settled in her 1918 life and meets Edward, but he is not her beloved Edward of 2009. He is young, chauvinistic (true to the times), argumentative, and essentially engaged to his longtime neighbor and friend, Samantha. You'll love her even though you want to hate her (trust me I tried to hate her, I just couldn't). Edward and Bella get to know each other through a series of encounters that will have you laughing, squeeing in giddy delight, and furious with Edward and his attempts at putting women in their place. The chemistry that TKegl has created for these two is fantastic and so relate-able (Well done, by the way!).

Tkegl has done her research. She showcases not only 1918 Chicago hot spots but also 1918 social issues including women's right to vote and women's right to be who they want to be, be it a college student, a single woman, or a woman with a lust for men. Watching Bella become engaged in the fight for women was intriguing since she got some backlash from readers (of SM's Twilight) regarding her submission to the men in her life by being a people pleaser and a homemaker. Beyond Time's Bella is adamant that being a wife and mother is a fine way to live one's life, but women in general should be able to have choices. I loved that facet of this fic. It seemed to be a running theme and kept me thinking about actual important issues. Way to go, TKegl!

TKegl has created so many original characters as well as expanded on SM's characters by exploring parts of them that we've never seen before. Bella's landlady, Maggie, is one of her original characters. I fell in the love with her the moment she explained to Bella that her husband, Henry, God rest his soul, didn't die (even though she always used that phrase, but actually ran away with a tramp. Brilliant, I tell you. Brilliant.

I adored TKegl's expansion of SM's characters. The first being her take on young Edward. He was eager to please his parents, a devout student and Christian, a track and field all-star, a horny boy trying to keep his hormones in check (and his hands and tongue, whatever), and a dedicated boyfriend to Bella. His declarations are so heartfelt and sweet but not over the top and sappy. He loves Bella for who she is, regardless of the fact that she's a suffragette and has foolish notions about a woman's need for a education and a career. He compromises with her and works with her and in the process grows himself in understanding and compassion towards women's issues. It's beautiful to see that turnaround, but without a complete character overhaul. He's still Edward. The consistency there is much appreciated.

TKegl has created a Carlisle that I adore as well. This is a hard working Carlisle who is lonely, has no companions, no family, no one that even knows who he is until Bella shows up. Bella and Carlisle become friends, and he develops a fondness for her. He hasn't ever had the opportunity to be himself before since no one ever knew his secret, so Bella quickly becomes special to him. Together, they study the influenza and attempt to save Edward using any means possible. An interesting twist here is that Edward does not like Carlisle and vice versa. They are each other's competition in regards to Bella. This love triangle is done so subtly that it's barely even there, but you know it is. Carlisle's reactions to Bella are nothing if not respectful and done with her best interests in mind. He guides her, helps her, and loves her in his own way, and it's beautiful to see. Be sure to read the outtake at the end of this fic. It's from Carlisle's POV and is stunning.

One of the many reasons that I don't review WIP is because many fanfic endings are stupid. Yep, I said it. A story can be compelling, well written, and romantic, but then the ending can leave me scratching my head and wishing I hadn't bothered at all. Not this story! This story has an ending that makes sense, that gives you closure, and that satisfies you. This story comes full circle. It's seamless. It fits perfectly into New Moon and wraps the story up nicely. Once finished, I drew in a big breath of fresh air. That's what this story is, a breath of fresh fanfiction air. Thank you, TKegl, for writing it well, for your hours of research, your hours of flawless character construction and expansion, and for your well thought out no-ounce-of-stupidity plot. Beyond Time is Exquisite. Everything about it is exquisite. You'll love this story.

Beyond Time has a few tastefully written sex scenes and is Team Jacob safe.

I have so many favorite scenes from this fic, but I thought this particular meeting with Edward and Bella was just great fun. Please enjoy these excerpts from Chapter 7: Of Movies, Lunch, & Samantha's Hunch,
and then read the tale in it's entirety.

Edward, Samantha, Bella and her boarding housemate, Tom, attend a movie together . . .


"Sorry we're late," Edward said, irritated. "I couldn't find a place to park."


Samantha walked up and threw her arms around my neck. "I'm so glad you came!" she exclaimed. I returned the hug awkwardly.


Why did she have to be so nice?


"I'm glad I came too," I said genuinely. "It's good to see you."


She squeezed me once more before pulling back and nodding at Tom.


"Hello, Tom," she said shyly, her cheeks turning a light shade of pink.


"Miss Swenson," he replied with a smile and a tilt of his head.


Edward cleared his throat and everyone jumped a little.


Geez, Edward. Territorial much?


"Tom already got your tickets," I said, breaking the tension.


"Thanks," Edward pulled out two dimes and gave them to Tom in exchange for the tickets. "Anyone want popcorn before we go in?"


"They don't sell it inside?" I asked.


Edward shot me a curious look. "No, but there's a cart right there." He pointed to a red cart with bright yellow wheels in the street in front of the theater. A red and white striped awning extended from the roof, and I could see a sign advertising popcorn as well as roasted peanuts.


Tom and Edward each bought a bag of popcorn, and we stopped and bought bottles of coke from another vendor.


"It sure would be convenient to have a place where you could buy snacks and drinks inside the theater," I said dryly. "They could call it a snack bar… or maybe a concession stand."


"The theater owners don't like the mess." Edward shrugged. "They don't even like people out here selling it, but there's not much they can do about it."


"Oh, I think they'll come around," I said archly. "After all, they could make a fortune selling snacks."


Edward scoffed, "A fortune? How much do you think people would pay for a bag of popcorn? It would be more trouble than it's worth." He turned away muttering, "Ridiculous!"


I took a deep breath.


I would control my temper.


Edward looped Samantha's hand through his elbow and motioned to the entrance. "Shall we?" He grinned, sweeping her through the heavy doors. Tom and I mockingly mimicked his gesture and followed them.

 Before the movie . . .


"Do you go to the movies often?" I asked tentatively.


He flashed me a surprised glance. "Oh… yes. Now and then. You?"


"Sure."


He cleared his throat. "What was the last film you saw?"


Uh oh. Don't say Avatar.


I searched my brain and settled on something Tom had said earlier. "Ummm… That one with Charlie Chaplin?"


He smirked. "Are you asking me or telling me?"


I narrowed my eyes. "Telling you. What was the last film you saw?"


"The Adventurer."


"Was it good?"


He looked at me, eyebrows arched. "You tell me. That's Chaplin's most recent film."


I gulped and looked away. "Oh yeah. I forgot the name of it."


"Mmm hmm."


I shot him an irritated glance. "You're really quite aggravating. You know that?"


He bit his cheek to keep from laughing. "You're the only one who seems to think so."


"I sincerely doubt that."


"Well, for some reason, you seem to bring out the worst in me," he admitted.


"I don't know why," I said haughtily. "Most people find me extraordinarily amiable."


"Amiable, huh?" he chuckled.


"Extraordinarily," I emphasized with a pointed look.


"Undoubtedly those are people who agree with your rather radical views on society," he said, his mouth tilting up in a crooked grin. My heart stopped for a beat before starting to thump again slowly in my chest. How could he still do that to me when I was so annoyed with him?


I swallowed, looking away from that grin so I could collect my thoughts. "Edward, my views are not radical. They're logical."


"If you say so."


I started to reply, but the lights dimmed twice, indicating the film was about to start.


"This isn't over," I whispered, and I heard him chuckle again.


Then the lights went down.

 After the movie . . .


Samantha glanced back at Tom and Edward walking behind us. Convinced they couldn't overhear our conversation, she continued. "I think I might like to go to college," she whispered.


"Really, Samantha? That's wonderful!"


"I haven't decided… and I haven't said anything to my parents… or Edward. I don't know how they would react."


I thought a moment. "A friend of mine recently gave me some advice that I think applies here: 'Just be patient. Say what you want calmly and clearly. They'll come around eventually.'"


"You think so?" she asked skeptically.


"Yes, I do."


"I mentioned it to Tom," she said, coloring slightly. "He thought it was a great idea."


"Tom's a smart guy."


"What are you girls talking about?" Edward asked, as the two of them caught up with us.


"Nothing much," I said airily, and then a flyer posted on the side of a brick building caught my attention. I walked over for a closer look, bringing Samantha with me. I could feel the mental eye roll of Tom and Edward before they followed us reluctantly.


"A suffrage meeting," I read thoughtfully, turning to Samantha with a start. "Women can't vote?"


Samantha regarded me carefully. "Well in some elections, yes, but not in all of them. That's why there's a suffrage movement."


The "duh" seemed implied.


This was amazing. My mind flashed back to the article I had read in the hospital waiting room my first night here. I was so busy trying to figure out what was real and what wasn't that it hadn't even really clicked that I was reading about the suffrage movement – written by someone who'd experienced it first hand. I didn't remember exactly when it happened, but I knew the constitutional amendment guaranteeing women the vote would pass soon… within a year or two. Setting aside my primary reason for traveling to 1918, I found I couldn't resist the temptation to participate in a little history-making of my own.


"We have to go to this meeting," I said to Samantha firmly.


"You're a suffragette too?" Edward asked scornfully.


"You say it like it's a dirty word," I snapped back.


"It just seems like it's never enough for you people," he spat back. "The Illinois legislature already gave women the vote years ago."


"Actually, Edward," Samantha interrupted quietly, "that's only for some elections. Women in this state still aren't allowed to vote for state representatives or the governor. And we still have to use separate ballots and ballot boxes."


"That's ridiculous!" I exclaimed, outraged, only belatedly noticing Edward looking at Samantha in shock. Guess he wasn't used to her speaking up.


"What's ridiculous is the idea of a constitutional amendment – you realize that's what these women want, right? They want to change the Constitution!" Edward seethed. "It's a mob mentality – and now you're dragging Samantha into this madness."


"Now Edward…" Samantha began.


"Dragging Samantha?" I shouted. "I'm not dragging her anywhere! I simply can not believe that anyone would be against the idea of women voting." I stared at him, my eyes wide, and I saw him flick his glance between the two of us before he spoke, a little more quietly.


"It's not that I have anything against it per se," he replied, as if trying to calm a small child. "It's just that I think it's unnecessary."


I gaped at him. "How can you even say that?"


He was trying to maintain his composure, but I saw the muscle in his jaw clench. "A woman's husband represents the entire family. His vote does that as well."


"And what if a woman isn't married… or if she disagrees with her husband?" My heart rate was speeding up again.


"Well, then it's just a waste of two votes." He threw his hands in the air, any façade of calm irrevocably broken. "She and her husband would cancel each other out."


"That is so not the point, Edward!" I argued.


"Well, what is the point, Bella?" He mimicked my tone.


I took a deep breath. Be patient. Stay cool. "Edward, do you think women are less intelligent than men?"


He hesitated briefly. "No…"


"Okay, do you think they have the ability to become as informed on the issues as men? That they can read the newspaper… listen to speeches and absorb the facts?"


He flashed a glance at Tom, who just shrugged in response.


No help there, buddy.


"Yes," he said finally.


"Do you think women have their own opinions on the issues?"


He smirked. "I think you're adequate evidence of that."


"Okay, I'll give you that one." I shrugged then continued. "So given all of that, don't you think that a woman has just as much right to voice her opinion when it comes to politics? I mean, the decisions made by our government affect women just as much as men, don't they?"


Edward thought a moment. "I suppose so," he said slowly, "if she really wanted to."


Victory!


"So, Bella," he continued. "Who are you supporting in the election this fall?"


Crap.


"Um… the Democrat?"


Edward chuckled.


"Hey, I'm new in town. I plan on getting fully acquainted with the candidates and the issues," I said defensively. "And when the time comes, I will be informed and ready."


"Spoken like a true suffragette." Edward grinned.


"Damn straight."


"You have an awfully foul mouth for a lady," he said reproachfully.


"Well, a true gentleman wouldn't point it out… it's rude," I retorted.


"Okay, okay," Tom interrupted. "Can we please go to the car? You both are giving me a headache!"


Edward and I smiled at each other briefly before continuing down the street, and I couldn't help feeling like I had finally made some progress.

The Best I Ever Had

The Best I Ever Had by Whatsmynomdeplume
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6752826/1/The_Best_I_Ever_Had
Sex between friends complicates everything. Bella knows this. But she has no idea how much more Edward is going to complicate things.


Do you enjoy a silly Bella but not a stupid Bella? A smirky, playful Edward but not a slutty I-am-God's-gift-to-women Edward? Do you enjoy Friends? Then you'll enjoy this fic. Whatsmynomdeplume has a great handle on humor, innuendo, lame crass jokes and what real friendships look like, and that's what she's put all in this little ficlet.

While this fic is 12 chapters long, it is an extremely fast read - one you could do in one or two sittings if you have copious amounts of time. Or if your infant is teething and wants to nurse all day so as to have something to grind her non-existent teeth onto, but that's neither here nor there. The point is, it's a quick and pleasant and funny and sexy read.

Whatsmynomdeplume jumps right into the story. There's no 20 chapter lead in, no angsty build. Thank you for that! The story starts after Edward and Bella have slept together for the first time and covers the few days, maybe a week or two after, while they try to figure out what to do about it. The pacing is quick, the wit is quick, and the angst is non-existent, unless you count Bella worrying about her boobs being saggy or Bella worrying about waking Edward up because it's like taking bacon out of someone's hand. Seriously, no angst. It's like a light and fluffy pancake coated with butter. Mmmm.

As said above, this story is hilarious. Edward and Bella are really real, the plot is not overdone, the dialogue is not overdone, and the sex is not overdone. As a matter of fact, the sex is done very subtly, yet it's still sexy and gives you that fluttery feeling of a new relationship as all of the sex is told from Edward's POV who is totally head over heels for his best , goofy, neurotic friend, Bella. You will not be disappointed. Read it.

Team Jake's a go as he's not in it.
Here's an excerpt from Chapter 9..Warning Spoilers!

Edward and Bella have just decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend . . .


"I just think," Edward continues, snapping me out of my thoughts, "that it'd be nice to have something seal the deal, you know?"


"You're right."


His words, my thoughts, they've all reminded me that I'm still really new at this—and that I'll probably mess it up, and I need Edward to be on board with my messing.


He looks at me suspiciously. "I am? You never say that."


"You're right about sealing the deal, at least. I feel like we need to maybe set some rules."


He groans. "Bella, no. I meant like… you flash me again, and we seal the deal. We don't need rules. We're not a board game. "


"See, I think you're wrong!"


"We are a board game?"


I roll my eyes. "No! I mean, I think that we can't do everything like we did as friends and just expect it to work."


"Yes, we can. We absolutely can. Friends who have sex sounds like the perfect relationship to me."


"Then you and Emmett should date."


He makes a disgusted face. "Let me rephrase that. Friends, sex, and you sound like the perfect relationship to me."


I blush and smile and swoon a little, I do. But I'm still me, even if I'm this enamored, girlfriend version of myself. "No, it's not! Friends have a higher threshold for annoying each other than boyfriends—" he gives me a look "—fine, and girlfriends—do. So that can be rule number one. No annoying each other."


His shoulders drop. "You're an idiot. Our whole friendship is based on me annoying you, you liking it, and me liking that you like it."


Hmmm. He's correct—not that I'll say that out loud again. "Alright. No annoying each other too much."


"Alright," he says. "If we're doing this, then rule number two: no acting like it's inevitable that we're going to break up."


"Alright, I'll try not to. But I can't help that I'm realistic—"


"Cynical," Edward interrupts.


"Realistic about relationships. I mean, look at my mom."


"Look at my mom and dad," he counters.


"They're a fluke," I argue.


"Cynic."


"I'm just saying that people break up a lot."


"But all it takes is one to stick."


"You think I'm sticky?" I blurt, wondering when did I turn into such an idiot?


He smiles and chuckles. "Like glue."


"Okay—"


"No, wait, ask me again."


"Are you kidding me? I can't even believe I said that the first time."


He knits his eyebrows together and I hate that on him, it looks adorable; if I tried the same expression, it'd look like I was counting eyelashes or having a conniption. Maybe both. I also hate how irresistible I find it. "Just ask me, Bella."


"Fine. You think I'm sticky?" I deadpan.


"Like a fourteen-year-old boy with HBO." He snickers, pleased with his own wit.


He needs someone to keep his ego in check, so I quickly change the subject saying, "So, rules."


I'm a little surprised when he says nothing and his smile fades.


"What's with the face, Cullen?" I ask. He's got his little boy pout on, where his eyes get inversely big to the size of his mouth.


He shrugs. "I don't know..." His tone tells me that he is somewhat serious. "I just... I don't want to make the mistake of over-thinking this."


I sigh. "Edward, that's what I do. I over-think about what toothpaste to buy at the store, even though I always end up with the same one."


He nods. "I know. And I get it, I really do. That's how you are; I'm not looking to change that. I just... you're fun, Bella. We're fun. That's my favorite thing about us. I..." He trails off before seemingly gathering his resolve and saying, "I don't want that to change now just because you're my girlfriend."


All of a sudden, I am filled with an almost overwhelming pang. I know we're talking it out, and that's probably the best thing we could do, but I need him here. I want to hold his hand and see his eyes without the filter of a screen, HD though it might be. I want to touch and kiss him to remind myself, to remind both of us of this thing between us, that it's really as strong as I think it is. I just want him here. Where he should be.

Controlled Burn

Controlled Burn by staceygirl aka jackbauer
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5375481/1/Controlled_Burn
Summary: Bella has always joked about marrying Alice's much younger brother so she could be a part of her best friend's family, but now he's all grown up and hot. Bella tries to control the burn for him, but it quickly becomes a raging fire. ExB AH

Jacob is  the youngest Cullen. That's all you need to know in order to love this story. Seriously, how funny is that? Sooooo funny!

Imagine an older (post-college) Bella pining over a younger Edward. Intrigued yet? I am. Edward is Alice's younger emo, poetry blog writing, musician brother. Alice and Bella have a long standing joke that Bella will join her family someday by marrying her younger brother, Edward. And then she meets him and oh look it! he's hot as hell and mysterious and mmm. This story is all told from Bella's POV, so when I say that Edward is mysterious I mean it. We catch glimpses of him when Bella goes to visit Alice and when she eavesdrops on his blog, but that's about it. We don't see him grow up from 17 to however old he is in the end (22 I think), but it doesn't matter because he's Edward and plays the guitar. Swoon!

Bella gets to know Edward a bit on a visit to see Alice. He's living with her to help with her daughter, Lucy. Bella and Edward get thrown together a bit and his mask seems to disappear when he's alone with her. We find out quickly that Edward is a misunderstood, sensitive musician and his family doesn't approve of his career choice - or lack of one. Little do they know. Bella supports him, and he can talk to her. A pseudo-relationship evolves. Yay!

The Cullen family dynamic is hilarious as are Bella's interactions with them. Simple scenes become ridiculous comedy. The way in which this author writes is so realistic. This story is relatable, which makes it oh so lovable. The story's simplicity also makes it lovable. Nothing insane happens. No one's dead, no one's a dominatrix, or a hooker, or has a terrible past they're trying to overcome. This story is about regular people dealing with family relationships, and it's awesome.

This author writes comedy so well. She writes romance so well. And she writes Edward's poetry so well. Below are just a few of my favorite examples.

This story is Team Jacob safe if you have a sense of humor. In fact, there's one line in particular about Jacob that had me laughing so hard that I have to share it. "It wasn't that Jacob was ugly, he was just gross." Ba ha ha! So great! He is gross, in this story anyway.

This story is also mothers who can't say fart safe. It's a new category I'm adding. Anyone can read it as the sex is implied and there is one puny curse word. Id' recommend this story to anyone. It was fantastic, and I can't wait to read it again.

I heard him yawn and then say, "Hey."

"Oh, hey Edward. I hope I didn't wake you. I just needed some um, clean underwear."

I pulled out the first pair I saw and held them up. They were cotton Strawberry Shortcake panties. Wait why was I showing him my underwear? I started giggling nervously.

"Um, okay," Edward said. He looked a little afraid. I grabbed a shirt and some jeans out of the closet and bit my lip in horror as soon as he couldn't see my face. Had I really just shown him my underwear? I prayed he wouldn't tell Alice or Jasper.

"See you later." I made a beeline for the door.

"Bella?" he called after me.

"Yes?" I stopped and looked at him. I forced myself to smile and act confident. I could do this.
"I think you dropped your underwear."

"Oh." My smile disappeared as I slowly looked behind me and saw Strawberry Shortcake looking up at me. I grabbed them, let out some weird chortle while I shrugged at Edward, and then ran out of the room.

Later during breakfast...

"Let's all go around the table and say one good deed we've done today," Alice said.

"None of us have left the house," Edward sighed.

"So, surely you can think of something nice you've done," Alice prompted as she started passing the food around the table.

"I haven't said everything I've wanted to," Jasper winked at me.

"I let Bella use my conditioner," Alice said.

"You didn't let me use it," I argued. "I just used it."

"Well, I made it available to you. What have you done, Bella?"

"I'm not slapping you right now," I mumbled under my breath. Edward, sitting next to me, let out a small laugh; I felt some of my nerves finally start to settle. "I let Edward sleep in his bed." I smiled proudly.

"And I let Bella show me her panties." Edward smirked, Jasper choked again, and Alice just looked horrified.

"Bella! What did you do?"

"I… I…"

"Calm down," Edward stopped his sister. "I was just teasing."

A few excerpts of Edward's poetry:

Shhhh
so many words scare me.
if she would stop talking I might kiss her. I might need her. I might love her.
she never shuts up.
I sit and I listen and I wait for my chance.
when she takes a breath, I'll take what's mine.

Goodbye
i had to leave.
your smile. your words on repeat in my head.
your smell. the sway of your hips.
i had to leave. you.
i had to go.
through trees and fields and rain i fly
trying to imagine a world without her.
it follows. me. your smile. your smell. your sway.
from where you laid your head on my pillow.
i had to leave. i had to go.
i won't forget. anything. you're everything.
no matter the miles and songs.
her heart. my heart.
her love. not mine.

I hope that you will take the time to read this story. This author no longer writes fanfic, but she was sweet enough to respond to one of my reviews, um, because I was kind of stalking her. She said I was pretty. Yay! She seems like a super sweet girl and her author's notes are just as funny as her fic. Also check out her outtakes from Edward's POV. I saved them for last so that he could stay mysterious and that worked out well for me. Enjoy!

Strange Brew

Strange Brew by Magnolia822
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6536802/1/
Soon-to-be college senior Bella Swan needs a summer job. Edward Cullen needs a worker for his new tasting room at Cullen Creek Brewery. She doesn't know much about beer, but she knows how to push his buttons. Romance/Humor, ExB, M for Lemons/Language
http://magnolia822.blogspot.com/?zx=6d279aed7ff0c1c9 Author's Blog



This story was rec'd to me by Jenndema, co-author of Dear Mr. Masen, so of course it was good. Edward is a beer guru, owning his own distillery and pub. Bella is a vet student needing a job. Emmett, Edward's brother who always has some food in his mouth, hires Bella for the tasting room and to tempt Edward. Edward is in the middle of a divorce with his petty wife Victoria. He's focused on work, but finds he becomes distracted by Bella's beauty, humor and fun personality in general.

Bella is a fun loving young girl. She says what she thinks but not in a verbal vomit way, more of an I-don't-give-a-crap way. She and Edward flirt and hit it off right away, but he's determined to keep things professional (even though he slips every once in a while). Bella follows Edward's cues but doesn't really hide her interest. She is patient with him. And that makes for good storytelling. Yay!

Another facet of Bella's personality that I loved (and that is so rare in fanfic) is that she calls Edward on his crap. There's not really any misunderstandings. When he lies to her, trying to keep things professional, she tells him he's full of crap. I love that. It makes the story feel so real and not contrived at all. Double yay!

On a camping trip/business venture (Chapter 11), Edward and Bella are having a bit too much fun and temptation is in full swing.

"Whew," Bella says, taking a seat on one of our ice coolers while Jasper and Emmett man the kegs. "I'm beat."

"Why don't you go back and take a rest?"

"Really? Oh, man, that sounds good. I really need a shower, too. I'm covered with beer."

I glance down at her Cullen Creek tee. She's right; it's soaked. God, she looks fucking hot, and I wonder if she'd let me help her clean up. I could do it with my tongue . . .

"Okay. Just watch out for bears," I tease, keeping a straight face.

"Bears?" Her eyes widen.

"Yeah. They love beer. Just watch it."

"Shut up, sausage," she says, narrowing her eyes and swatting at me with her bar towel. I side step her attack, rolling up my own and giving her a taste of own medicine. She should know that after eighteen years of living with Emmett, I've perfected my technique. I hit her just at the base of her hip, and she squeals.

"Ow! You sonofa—"

"Don't dish it if you can't take it."

"You are SO DEAD!" she comes at me again, and this time she's quick—she goes right for the goods. I barely manage to deflect the blow with a quick turn of my leg.

"Fucking hell!"

"What was that you were saying before?"

"Kids, kids, kids," Emmett says, turning around and slinging his arms around both of our shoulders. "Save it for later."

Bella blushes brightly, wriggling out from under his grasp.

"All right. I'm going. See you guys."

I'm distracted watching Bella walk away, so I'm not prepared when Emmett gives me a light kidney punch.

"Dude, go after her."

"I can't."

"You pussy."

Fuck. He's so right.

The story is told entirely in Edward's POV which I love. This Edward is sweet, smart, a man (he thinks about sex but not in a disgusting way), and so funny. Here's a snippet from chapter 19 that I think showcases his POV well .

We'd decided to keep things strictly professional over the next few weeks to avoid temptation . . . Lord knows it wouldn't take much for me to completely disregard Jenks' advice. I know he's only looking out for me, but I want to so badly. The only thing that gives me comfort is the fact that Bella wants to be my girlfriend . . . she pretty much is my girlfriend. My adorable, secret, soon-to-be girlfriend.

I'm an idiot.

This story showcases very well thought out characters and dynamics between individuals. It's rare to see an Alice and Edward who aren't fond of each other, but in this story you'll find that. You'll also find a hypochondriac Carlisle who likes to talk poop and all manner of gross things. He is so funny in a 'my parents are so embarssing' kind of way.

While Edward's language is quite mature, this story is not riddled with sex. There are a few nicely placed sex scenes that don't override the story.

If you need something light, fluffy, funny, relateable and realistic, then this is your story.

Team Jacob safe.

The Cullen Campaign

The Cullen Campaign by Belladonna1472
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5853742/1/The_Cullen_Campaign
Edward Cullen and Isabella Swan both have parents who are powerful on Capitol Hill. Problem is, their families are political enemies. What happens when Democrat!Edward and Republican!Bella bump into each other at Union Station in D.C.? AH. ExB. COMPLETE.



Belladonna1472 is hilarious. She is also Frickin' (see how I did that again?) smart. The girl knows stuff. Probably more than the average homemaker, ahem, me and my measly degree in education ain't got nothin' on her. Her tale of star-crossed lovers is not only fun to read, but it will make you breathless with laughter and giddy with love.

Edward and Bella come from politically rivaling families, yet their dynamics are too good to waste, so they use them. And by use them, I mean they boink on the train. I'm so subtle. This story covers their hidden romance, coming out to their parents, and a really great bromance between a married-to-Alice Jake and Edward, which I love. Let me clarify that last bit. Jake is married to Alice. He and Edward are friends. They're cool. Their relatioship in the story is oh so funny. This Jake is my favorite Jake in a Team Edward story. He's smart, confident, funny and sweet. Just the way I like my Jake. Okay, now I'm side tracked. Ahhh. The author creates vivid characters from Bella's protective brother, Emmett to Edward's father Carlisle who lives under a rock and says things like, "What's an Ashton Kutcher?" And I die from hyperventilating with laughter. This is possibly the funniest Carlisle I've ever read and only because he's so pop culture naive. This story, along with Belladonna's collab with Jenndema, Dear Mr. Masen, is one of those stories that makes you wish that everyone read fanfiction because then you could quote it and get some giggles. Alas, when I blurt out, "What's an Ashton Kutcher?" no one I know will laugh. Sigh, so sad.

The banter is hot, the romance is hot, the plot is hot, the smartness is hot. This story is politically intelligent without being pretentious and making me feel like a dumb housewife. And in the moments when I am a dumb housewife while reading this story, I'm quickly relieved because the author offers a glossary at the end of the chapter to explain any political jargon I didn't comprehend while reading it. Thanks by the way.

Team Jacob safe, though this is clearly an Edward/Bella tale.

Dear Mr. Masen

Dear Mr. Masen by Jenndonna
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6483877/1/Dear_Mr_Masen
http://dearmrmasen.blogspot.com/ (teasers and whatnot)
"Error 434: Reprimanding an executive." Life changing or just stupid? Dear Mr. Masen: A story of unauthorized Internet usage, culinary delights and the goings-on at Cullen, Inc. AH, ExB.

My sister was reading this story and raving about it to me. She kept telling me about these emails between Edward and Bella. She kept bursting out into giggles while talking about Jacob who's dubbed "the Mouth Breather" though she would apologize afterwards as though I'd be offended. Sisters are silly. Anyhoo, I recently completed The Cullen Campaign and enjoyed it. There, I discovered that this story, Dear Mr. Masen, was written by the same author belladonna1472, though it's a collaboration with jenndema. I loved the humor so much in The Cullen Campaign that I knew I'd like this piece. And I was right! Jenndonna has a great sense of humor. The comedic timing is spot on, and there are endless amounts of giggles offered in this fic from a sci-fi sick Jacob to a so-cute-Bella's-afraid-she'll-pee-her-pants-in-front-of-him Carlisle.

The author weaves a tale with an actual plot. A what? you say. No, really. There's a plot, and it's not about sex. Whoobiewhatttienow? I know. It's confusing, isn't it? But here's the rundown: Bella's a chef by trade but can't find a job so she turns to Cullen Inc's IT department where she bumps into Edward when she has to reprimand him for personal Internet use during his working hours. The two start up an email relationship complete with recipes, bad date experiences, and loads of misunderstandings. When Bella offends Edward and Edward offends Bella, they finally meet and voila - a story of getting to know you and romance ensues. Hooray!

This story is rated M but other than the two F bombs that I saw, if that, there's nothing really M about it unless the author plans an all out sex-fest in the chapters to come. Let's hope not because that would be stupid. And I hate stupid fics. It's times like this that I wish FF.net would offer the MA rating because most M rated fics are really MA, but in this case it's actually M I guess due to the stories about masturbaters doing their business while kissing Bella. Ew!

Now I know I've broken the carnal rule of not reviewing WIP, but I simply can't help it. This one is a must if you need something for your funny bone.

Now get the Frick out of here and read it. See how I did that there? The clever use of the word Frick? Yeah, well Frick you too. I crack myself up.

Team Jacob safe if you have a sense of humor.

Better Now

Better Now by MeraNaamJoker
Summary: Charlie got Bella the professional help she needed when Edward took off. Now Edward's back, and she's different. AU New Moon - after Volterra- and Eclipse. M for language & a few later lemons. Mostly in-character, Edward's not villainized.



I found this fic on Phase Fics under their teaser's section. I had also seen this author rec'd somewhere else, I can't remember now, but the summary pulled me in. The idea of a more mentally stable Bella sounded interesting to me and I was in the mood for some canon Jake. And boy does MeraNaamJoker deliver - on the canon and the Jake.
Bella has grown in this story, she sticks up for herself with Jake and Edward (yes, he's in it too, but more as a side character). It's good to hear Bella assert herself against Edward, and because she's actually been in therapy, it's believable. I get really upset when an author claims canon and then Bella screams and yells at Edward calling him all kinds of names using words she would never use. I'm sorry, but that's just not canon Bella. You have to prove to me why she would do that, or I'm not going to buy it. This time, I did.

The main plot of the story is canon - getting Victoria and fighting off the vampire army, but it also follows Jake and Bella's relationship. It is written in Bella's POV.

This Bella is so sweet, charming and innocent but with a healthy sexual curiosity. She is genuinely caring and not annoying. Some of her internal dialogue had me giggling so hard I thought I'd wake up the sleeping hubs. This line in particular had me in stitches.

I wanted to understand; I definitely didn't want Quil, who'd always been nice to me, to be a pedophile.

Although the POV is Bella's throughout the story, Jake has such a distinct voice. The Jake the author has written is a true teenage boy. The author has a knack for realistic teenage dialogue and I love it. Jake's dialogue is simplistic but so fitting because - he's a boy!

Bella and Jake have a very realistic relationship. They argue, and play, and make out (seriously best first make out ever; should win a make out lemon award), and talk. Their conversations are always interesting and help move the plot along. This author is not wordy like me - we all I know my Jake talks way too much. :)

I love the author's version of an angry Jake, especially when he's pissed about Bella saying negative things about herself. It's hot. The line below in particular had me laughing and totally feeling what Jake was saying. I want to jump him because he's so sarcastic and honest and forces her to believe in herself. I just love it.

"Do you think I just spent however many months of my life trying to win you over because I thought you'd make a hella good mirror for my awesome?"

And poor, sad Edward. We all know I'm Switzerland and I loved the author's portrayal of Edward. The fascinating thing is that he's rarely actually in the fic. He's only spoken about by other characters, but that - his absence - speaks volumes. I felt him in the background, thus constantly feeling Bella's guilty conscience. It provided an angst hum that I enjoyed. The author's stance on Edward taking the breakup is much like my own, so if you liked my story (or at least how I treated Edward), you'll like this one.

While the author focuses on Jake and Bella's relationship, she gives the reader bits and pieces of pack life that are so fascinating and sometimes gut wrenching. We get a glimpse Quil's agony over imprinting with a 2 year old, and we get a slice of Jake and Billy's relationship that makes the reader want to cuddle Jake.

The only non-canon factor that I questioned was Jake's virginity. In this story, he's already cashed in his v-card (but this is not a slut Jake, thank you!). Generally that upsets me, but since we didn't hear anything about Jake's experience with girls until Eclipse, and this is a re-write of Eclipse, I bought it. Hell, I'd buy anything from this author. In fact she's selling a Bella/Paul imprint right now which I am buying and gobbling up. That review's up next!

Until I write it or update my own story, giving you something else to read, go read Better Now. It's worth your time, and you all know how picky I am. Enjoy!

Green

Green by Bratty-vamp
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6108912/1/Green
What happens when lawn-boy, geek, and self-proclaimed social leper finds himself in a situation that shakes his comfortable invisibility? Will he stay green? AU- All human.



Green features a geeky, service oriented, virginal Edward who is best friends with Alice. His father is Carlisle, the Chief of Police. It's very much a role reversal for the two main characters, but it works. And Carlisle's relationship with Edward is really well written.

Bella, the popular beauty queen type, meets this virtual nobody Edward when he saves her from drowning. The two get to know each other and the story moves from there. It's about crossing over into two very different teenage worlds - the popular kids and the nobodies.

The author does an amazing job at describing first love and exploring your sexuality. Edward is so innocent and sweet. It's really fun to see him go through his sexual exploration with Bella. He says things like, "That's so awesome," when he discovers Bella's given him a hickey and the like. It's from his POV, which this author does really well. I particularly love his musings about the topics women chat about. It's very cute. I love this young (very much still a boy) Edward.

One of the funniest chapters I've ever read is Chapter 16 Oh the Horrors. Before you read, you need to know that Edward's father has given him a box of condoms previous to this event and that he and Alice have sleepovers often. Here's a brief excerpt...

"Edward?"

"Yeah, Dad?" I stepped out of the kitchen toward him. Bella stood in our foyer, holding a can of Pringles in one hand, and a sleeping bag under her opposite arm. I barely had time to focus on the fact that she wasn't merely stopping by, because Rosalie Hale stood beside her, holding matching items.

"I… didn't know you were expecting more company," my father muttered. Alice stepped up beside me and made a tiny 'eep' sound as though someone had stepped on her tail. I was pretty sure no one heard it but me. And that was okay, because it matched the sound I had made in my head.

"I hope this is okay?" Bella blinked wide eyes up toward me and shrugged the arm that held her sleeping bag. "When we talked, you said that you and Alice just usually crash on the floor?"

"Oh. Yeah…" I nodded, and looked over toward my dad. I half expected him to call down the thunder. He was leaving for work, and his son was apparently having a pajama party with three attractive teenage girls.

"I brought Ro along," she nodded in Rosalie's direction. "Just… you know. You've got your wingman, and I've got mine."

"Edward?" My dad looked at me, and shook his head. I'm not sure what he saw written on my face. Maybe it was because he was still pretty young, himself. But he probably figured out quick that he would be putting an end to the greatest story in a young man's life if he decided to get all parental about things. So he didn't.

"Call me at the station if you kids need anything. Got it?"

"Got it," I breathed. "Thanks, Dad."

My father turned to leave for work, muttering 'should have bought a bigger box,' under his breath. I hurried to welcome the girls inside.