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This hilarious story is made of win. It's 30 chapters plus an epi and outtakes -- one of which I just discovered today and cannot wait to read. Woot!
So let me preface this review with I like to laugh. A lot. And this story makes me laugh. A lot. I read it quite a while ago, and it's been on my "I must review this and tell the whole world about it" list, but I haven't had the time. Today I'm sick and have time. Lucky you. No, seriously, lucky you. Go read it!
This is quite possibly the funniest vampfic out there. It has great, well thought out characters and an interesting plot that's not centered around will they or won't they have sex.
Edward is a vampire working as a PI. He runs into Bella, a human pregnant teenager who is his singer and whom he quickly falls into an "I adore you" relationship with. It's very one sided.
Edward is awkward and doesn't know anything about girls, but he does know how to write lists. For example:
In a fit of masochism I decided to make a list of all the reasons that I was being ludicrous in my fixation on Bella Swan. I got out all my colors of dry erase marker so that I could color code my list of objections. The white board in the office boasted a list entitled "Reasons why I need to stay away from Bella Swan"
I wanted to eat her.
I could potentially want to eat her baby.
I lived with other vampires who could potentially want to eat her.
I was a soulless, immortal monster.
I had a body that was slightly below ambient temperature.
I belonged to a species that wanted to eat her.
I was a virgin; she clearly had experience.
I could hurt her if I wasn't careful.
I was a stalker.
She had little or no interest in me.
I was 90 years older than her.
I lived with Emmett, who was an idiot.
I could go on but what would be the point? It was pathetic. Unfortunately, I left my list up too long and Emmett saw it, doubtless when he was stealing hand sanitizer from the office supply cabinet and I had to give him free access to our supplies for a month in exchange for his silence.
Since Bella's in high school, Edward has to deal with her male admirers even though she's pregnant. This shows just how much a a social retard he is but proves why I love him. This is just so funny, I can't stand it. And after I highlighted it, I realized it was the whole chapter minus a few paragraphs. Oh well. You'll thank me later.
This hilarious story is made of win. It's 30 chapters plus an epi and outtakes -- one of which I just discovered today and cannot wait to read. Woot!
So let me preface this review with I like to laugh. A lot. And this story makes me laugh. A lot. I read it quite a while ago, and it's been on my "I must review this and tell the whole world about it" list, but I haven't had the time. Today I'm sick and have time. Lucky you. No, seriously, lucky you. Go read it!
This is quite possibly the funniest vampfic out there. It has great, well thought out characters and an interesting plot that's not centered around will they or won't they have sex.
Edward is a vampire working as a PI. He runs into Bella, a human pregnant teenager who is his singer and whom he quickly falls into an "I adore you" relationship with. It's very one sided.
Edward is awkward and doesn't know anything about girls, but he does know how to write lists. For example:
In a fit of masochism I decided to make a list of all the reasons that I was being ludicrous in my fixation on Bella Swan. I got out all my colors of dry erase marker so that I could color code my list of objections. The white board in the office boasted a list entitled "Reasons why I need to stay away from Bella Swan"
I wanted to eat her.
I could potentially want to eat her baby.
I lived with other vampires who could potentially want to eat her.
I was a soulless, immortal monster.
I had a body that was slightly below ambient temperature.
I belonged to a species that wanted to eat her.
I was a virgin; she clearly had experience.
I could hurt her if I wasn't careful.
I was a stalker.
She had little or no interest in me.
I was 90 years older than her.
I lived with Emmett, who was an idiot.
I could go on but what would be the point? It was pathetic. Unfortunately, I left my list up too long and Emmett saw it, doubtless when he was stealing hand sanitizer from the office supply cabinet and I had to give him free access to our supplies for a month in exchange for his silence.
Since Bella's in high school, Edward has to deal with her male admirers even though she's pregnant. This shows just how much a a social retard he is but proves why I love him. This is just so funny, I can't stand it. And after I highlighted it, I realized it was the whole chapter minus a few paragraphs. Oh well. You'll thank me later.
I drive the Volvo at an unsafe speed into town and walk around campus to the romantic Forks gymnasium. I decide that parking in the front makes me more incognito. It's hard to identify her scent in the swirl of perfume, shoe polish, hairspray and smuggled booze.
But I can see Bella's beautiful face in Mike Newton's filthy mind and I track them to his car, which is parked in the back parking lot. I try to move at an acceptable speed but it's difficult when I see that Bella is uncomfortable.
"You know, Mike, I really don't feel that way about you. Do you mind taking me home?" She is trying to be polite but I can see the discomfort on her face.
"Come on, Bella, just a kiss? It's not like I'm gonna get you pregnant." Mike laughs at his own joke. "Seriously, you owe me. Who else were you gonna get to take you to prom?"
I reach Mike's car and without a thought to appearances or propriety, I pull open his door and drag him out by the collar. I have him several inches off the ground and am growling in his terrified face.
"I could hear her saying 'no' from across the parking lot, Newton." It comes out in a growl. "You have a problem with your hearing?" Mike Newton is too scared to even respond. At least verbally. He does, however, wet himself and shake. Which tells me he got the message.
By which point Bella has gotten out of the car and come around to the driver side. And she's screaming at me. At me?
"Goddammit, Cullen, let him go! Are you crazy?" I lower Mike back to the ground and turn to look at her. She is furious, her nostrils flared and if she shot lasers out of her eyes I'd be a dead man. Well, an already dead man with serious laser burns.
"Get out of here, Mike," she says to Newton, barely even looking at him. He shakily gets into his car while Bella and I glare at each other. He only drops the keys three times before getting them into the ignition and driving off.
When he's gone she shakes her head at me disdainfully. "Jesus, Cullen, stalk much?" She looks beautiful, even pissed off at me.
"Oh, did you want me to leave you there with Newton and his…hands?" I can't believe she has no gratitude for my saving her from him.
"I know how to say 'no,'" she snaps at me. "Really?" I ask, lifting an eyebrow at her and glancing at her stomach. She almost laughs but then she looks around the parking lot.
"Where's your car? You didn't turn into a bat and fly here did you?" She looks at me with fake horror before rolling her eyes at me and starting to walk away.
"Bella, wait!" She stops and turns but comes no closer. "You're not going to walk home? My car's in front." I gesture towards the front of the school.
"You think I'm getting in a car with you?" Point taken.
"Let me walk with you." She looks at me for a minute. "Come on, Bella. If anything happens to you the wolves are gonna blame us whether we are involved or not."
"Ok, but don't talk to me. I'm hungry and crabby." She turns and starts walking again and I catch up to her.
We walk for a few minutes and then she says, "So is that why you keep showing up?"
"Yep," I lie.
"Well, I guess I'm sorry for accusing you of stalking me or whatever." She looks a little bit embarrassed. I could tell her that she's totally right but I don't. Don't judge me.
"Well, I guess I'm going to have to find a new job," she says.
"Really? Why don't I just apologize to Newton for making him…soil himself." I am horrified to be having this conversation with a lady. Yay, Victorian upbringing!
"It's not about that. I don't want to work with him after he was such a douche!" Bella looks at me with scorn. "Would you want to work with someone who was slobbering on you like that?" If it was her I would but I keep that tidbit to myself. Bella Swan is clearly, as they say, just not "into" me.
"Oh. Yeah. I guess you have a point." We walk for a few more minutes in silence. The sensation of being with another person and having it be silent was a delicious sensation. So of course I talk and screw it up.
"Can I get you something to eat? 7-11 is still open. I could get you ice cream and pickles or whatever." She looks at me curiously.
"How old are you, Edward?"
"One hundred and ten." I look at her for a reaction. She's nodding.
"Haven't really spent a lot of time with pregnant women, huh?" I shake my head. I've been inside the heads of countless women but I am beginning to see how different hearing what they think and actually interacting with them is. Throw in the added complication of not being able to read Bella's mind and I am really flying blind here.
"Yeah, uh, let me give you a little piece of advice. Don't." She falls silent again and I wait for her to finish her sentence.
"That's it? 'Don't'? What does that mean?" She looks at me and blows out a big puff of air and shakes her head.
"I just think that you could give a girl a complex. I mean, I'm already the size of a water buffalo and retaining water as fast as Forks can produce it. Then you show up and offer to feed me some more häagen daz before you go to your next fucking photo shoot and it makes me feel kind of gross."
I don't even know what she's talking about so I just walk beside her silently until we get to her house. She stops in front and faces me.
"Thanks for walking me home and for freaking Newton out. It's kind of funny now, you know, in retrospect." She smiles at me. I want to prolong our time together but I don't really know how to since she doesn't really seem to enjoy my company.
"It was my pleasure. Would you like me to pick you up tomorrow so you can get your truck from my house?" She frowns slightly.
"No, I'm cool. I'll see you around, OK?" She turns and walks into her house while I stand out on the sidewalk, watching her go, considering not watching her sleep. My sense of pride and I compromise on hunting first and then just watching her for a few hours. Quite a moral victory.
Oh, and Emmett writes limericks. No joke.
"There once was a woman named Rose,
Who saved me from death I suppose.
That bear left me for dead,
Carlisle bit me instead.
She's hot when she takes off her clothes."
Whenever I tell my mother and sister about this story (which I do often because I want them to read it) I mention this tidbit: Aro and his Volturi crew have a hard time with techno gadgets. Aro can't work a cell phone, and in this scene we see that a key fob and Italian vampires do no mix.
From Ch 29:
I hear a car approaching. Emmett and I look out the window to see a nondescript silver minivan pull into the driveway. You heard me, the bad-ass Italian vampires rented a freakin' minivan.
"Is that a Windstar?" Emmett asks me, just as shocked as I am.
"That's a Windstar, Emmett," I respond.
The six vampires get out. I'm guessing that this is why they ended up in a minivan. Felix, who's bigger than Emmett, has been driving and he pushes the button on the key chain to lock it. It makes this weird triple beeping noise.
"Jane," he says. 'You didn't close the door all the way."
Jane, who was changed when she was like fourteen and has obviously been premenstrual ever since then, glares at him. "I closed my door. Talk to Demitri."
"Whatever, it's probably the back." Demitri walks around to the back door where Marcus, one of the brothers, has a bag he has pulled out of the mini-van.
"Children, are you going to bicker like this the entire time?" Aro addresses them, brushing off his I'd dark suit and looking towards the house.
"Not if Jane closes her door all the way, " Felix mumbles, trying to lock the car again and still getting a weird beep.
"No one is going to steal our minivan," Caius says to Felix, rolling his red eyes. "We're in the middle of nowhere, visiting a house full of vampires."
"We wouldn't be having this problem if you had reserved a decent vehicle for us," Demitri says to Felix, trying the other doors to see if they're ajar.
"The agency made the mistake. This was not my…" he's cut off by the screeching of the car alarm as Demitri opens the passenger door.
Aro and Marcus put their hands over their ears, thankfully, because Emmett and I are howling with laughter at the window.
"Felix! Stop that noise at once!" Caius barks at Felix, who is randomly pressing buttons.
Demitri grabs the keys from him and presses a button, shutting off the alarm. Then he smirks at him and Felix flips him off.
Carlisle steps out onto the porch and opens his arms to Aro warmly.
"Aro, Caius, Marcus. How good of you to come visit us." He ushers them into the living room, where Emmett and I have just barely managed to control ourselves.
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